old journal entry: one hour from midnight

Existing in this world, where everyone is a hypocrite and a scholar… pushes me away to this place called home, where I can wonder and roam freely without any traps or ridiculous riddles. I want to go where concepts and dreams are alive. It’s a place where definitions remain pure and genuine and not tainted by interpretations and opinions. It’s a place where the origin is known and appreciated. It’s a place where justice, peace and love are not just distant words up-for-grabs but the words that inspires and transforms us internally. This world cannot offer this to me, as much as it promises. In fact, I think it ceases to make false promises to me [perhaps because it knows I know better] or I mastered the skill to block out its empty visions. 

I have come to a place where I doubt our intentions, hearts, and souls. We are no good. Not even one. I want to be at that place and see myself in a mirror… so that I can rejoice with who I am in Him. Praise be to Him who makes my transformation possible every day. 

attacking church: bulls*** proof faith

“I do not pray for a lighter load, but for a stronger back.” - Phillips Brooks

One missionary doctor was speaking, “If you think your faith is enough because you include God in your agenda, do your quiet time, and give tithe, you are wrong. Your faith is absolutely nothing [compared to people who depend on God for their life].” It has been pretty real in my heart. I think it might be important to ponder about our own faith. 

Today’s church simply doesn’t challenge our faith enough. 

In well-off societies, God’s reign is hard to be seen because we are blinded by our comfort and convenience. What does that make us? Big obese brats who basically complain about everything. Spiritual war is real. God can’t afford to have half a** soldiers. The image of Christianity is ruined too much already by associating with societal aristocrats, or the well-off’s, and their wimpy faith. I am not saying that we should sell everything for our faith to be stronger because everyone has different journey; however, think about it this way: the poor builds faith on receiving the need, the rich builds faith on giving up the want. 

It is easy to just say, “God, take my life. Show me your will. I will do it.” Most church worship ends there. I am going to continue that worship and put it in your life very practically. There are things that we are holding onto that might be in the way of “giving Him all.” It might be a thought, a person, or a thing. 

Would you still put your trust, hope, and faith in Jesus even if…

• your pet died unexpectedly? 
• your parents are filing divorce?
• you are sexually abused? 
• you are single for rest of your life?
• you can’t hold grudge against that person anymore?
• you are rejected by your friends?
• your parents filed bankruptcy? 
• your family member is diagnosed with rare, un-treatable disease?
• your sibling is unsaved?
• you were cheated on? 
• you couldn’t go to college anymore?

You might dismiss what I am saying. You might be offended. You might think that I am being a crazy extremist. You might say that God doesn’t work like that. 

Then how does God work? What are you afraid of? Losing your current comfort and opportunities? This is the moment where your spirituality is ripped apart from this physical world. You won’t see Christ in your life unless you are ripped apart from this world. Your faith has to withstand the fire throughout life. 

Are you avoiding the fire by building up your resume, credit score, or network? Or are you constantly jumping in the fire for your faith to be purified for God?

Where do I find God?

A lot of my agnostic/atheist friends has asked me this question and I answer them with this: where you are broken. In another words, if you don’t think you need to find Him, you won’t find him. In fact, I tell ask this to my christian friends, too: Do you need God? For what? Why?

Why is this important? This shows your heart, your intention, and your motivation. Are we seeking to find God in the world for the sake of evidence? For the sake of theological discussions? For the sake of great coffee shop discussions? For the sake of building a case for your belief? For the sake of curiosity? 

Or do you want to find God because you have tried everything else to deliver you from the present and were left emptier than before. Or do you want to find God because you are going through unbearable pain of rejection and misunderstanding from everyone else around you. Or do you want to find God because you feel purposeless and hopeless in your head, body, and mind. Or do you want to find God because you now know that you were born alone and you will die alone. Or do you want to find God because you see the world as a sick cycle prone to burn out in the near/far future. 

Is God the determinant of life and death? Are you willing to believe when you see God? Are you willing to take side with confidence instead of staying “neutral”? Are you willing to be labeled and hated for the truth if it is revealed to you? Are you willing to have hope even if the promise seems bleak?

If you aren’t, you won’t find God. You won’t find God in religious life style. You won’t find God in church. You won’t find God by hanging out with the right crowd. You won’t find God by being “spiritual.” You won’t find God by doing certain things. You won’t find God by believing in certain things. 

You find God when you commit to the quest for the truth.

You find God when you are honest about your brokenness and helplessness.

You find God when you are desperate for hope.